Many adults think that children have no feelings about death and assume that a child does not grieve.
Children do in-fact feel grief after the loss of a loved one. And they experience this in a different way to adults.
Apart from the natural love and support of their close relatives or friends – such as siblings, parents, grandparents or close family friends. Unfortunately there are not many other options when it comes to supporting children who are going through this difficult period.
Our main motivation and reason for creating the Child Grief Support Education programme, was to support children through loss and teach a professional approach to those who are in contact with children going through grief. It is also very valuable for people who are motivated to explore their own grief.
We support children through grief by creating a safe space where children have the opportunity to deal with the trauma caused by the loss. A child who has a safe space to grieve the way he wishes and express his feelings is able to better understand and cope with the immense feelings — such as anger or deep sadness — caused by the traumatic event. The patient accepting an open support of a trained adult in this situation can help them feel more free and connected to life.
When I started to collaborate with several Children’s Hospices, I realized that although they had a well-developed home care system there weren’t services to help families and children after the loss.
I am grateful to PLAMIENOK n.o. first children Hospice of Slovakia that trusted my advice to create a center for grief therapy. We have trained 300 health care professionals who worked or are working with children with losses. Our educational courses have contributed to the growth and development of this center.
The Hospice realised that the children desperately needed more support during the months after the death of their brother or sister, re-establishing their lives within the community. My experiences also brought me to the conclusion that most of the time children are forgotten in these situations, as if they have no feelings about death and they cannot grieve. On the other hand, adults who do pay attention to the child’s feelings often instinctively try to protect them, by hiding the truth or not fully showing their feelings in front of the child. Either way, children end up finding this time very difficult, and worst of all they end up being excluded from the collective sorrow and mourning of the family. Such separation only adds to a child’s confusion and to their sense of loneliness and isolation even in the midst of everyday activities.
We sincerely believe, that with our training methods and expertise, this can be changed.
In this week’s blog post we are going to tackle essential questions regarding bereaved children and how the training we offer can help children re-establish the other parts of their developmental path that were interrupted during a loss.
What you will read in this article:
- When does a child grieve?
- They need us
- Who is this education for?
- What we offer
- The story behind the course
- Comments from students attending the training
When does a child grieve?
Many situations in life can cause grief, from moving to a new city to experiencing a divorce or losing someone. Here are the most common ones:
- Serious illness of a loved one
- Death of a family member
- Loss of a close friend
- Death of a classmate
Although a child has a different understanding of the concept of death, and they usually do not express their feelings and concerns verbally as adults do, grieving applies to them just as much as to adults, if not more. The child’s understanding of death is often determined by his age, how he experiences and comprehends time, and the ability to communicate about it. It may seem like children do not care about the loss or that no change has occurred in them, but it is essential to give them enough time to realise the change around their environment, as well as paying attention to the possible symptoms of grief.
Sleep disorders such as being unable to fall asleep, having nightmares, fear of the dark, loss of appetite or overeating, trouble with belonging to their peers, persistently feeling unhappy, depressed, or extremely aggressive and irritable behaviour can all be a sign of grief. Changes in school work such as decline in grades or even sudden improvement should also be noted, as a sign of trying very hard to fulfil unrealistic self-imposed expectations. If these symptoms of grief go un-noticed and the child is not supported it can prevent the emotional growth of the child. This in turn, if untreated, can create serious consequences and difficulties for the child in future.
They need us
A key factor to understand is that children need to process grief, and they need us to do this. They need a balanced adult who can support them, listen to them and give permission to express their worries and feelings of fear, anger, sadness, and love. Although we are wired to relate and support kids, a training course focused on working with ourselves and on gaining professional techniques to deal with difficult situations is extremely useful.
A child who has a safe space to deal with the trauma that created their feeling of being emotionally broken and confused, can in time with adequate support, gain understanding and acceptance. The will feel more free and connected to life as a result. The child can be more in contact with joy and their resilience to face new challenges will increase. They could also then provide their own support for other children who are going through or facing a similar emotional turmoil.
For whom is this education?
Generally speaking, it is for those who have contact with children, such as teachers, health care professionals, parents, social workers, or people who are motivated to explore their own grief and learn the professional approach to help children with losses.
What we offer
We offer you the ability to understand and relate to your own journey through grief. From this foundation you can establish practical support to guide children through their traumas and losses. Understanding the professional approach we offer will help you feel composed, stable and effective when talking about grief.
This educational programme includes the following five courses:
Healing your Own Grief
Learning to compassionately honour the grief and loss in your life, thereby strengthening your capacity to accompany children and families after loss.
Talking to Families in Crisis
Developing a deeper understanding and trust for yourself so you can interact with an authenticity that helps the families you work with feel the relief of being compassionately understood.
Guiding Children through Grief
Re-discovering empathy for your inner child, so you can effectively combine your professional approach with therapeutic tools to help children through grief.
Relating to Adolescent Grief
Feeling and accepting the darker side of yourself so that you can relate and support adolescents experiencing the same turbulence when you support them through grief.
Saying Goodbye with Authenticity
Integrating your new perspective and knowledge into a unique way to close situations and say goodbye that brings presence and authenticity to every moment and interaction of your life.
The story behind the course
So, I created this training to help all who work with children feel prepared to support them and their families through difficult situations. As a result, participants who attended the course felt more emotionally resilient. It empowered them to accompany children and families through their grief and loss more effectively. They were also able to help more families over the long run whilst maintaining their enthusiasm. We have run this training course for PLAMIENOK’s Slovak Hospice for Children for twelve consecutive years. During this time more than 300 participants have successfully completed the course.
Families we help in this way are amazed and grateful that their children can re-establish the other parts of their developmental path that were interrupted during the loss. The parents also gain more capacity to understand the state of mind and needs of their children.
The families and parents we help are also more likely to ask for and engage in further consultation to support a fuller recovery.
Generally, this training positively impacted all the people involved in these journeys through grief so deeply that I felt compelled to bring the value of this process to a broader public audience.
Comments from students attending the training
“Giving and receiving is an essential piece of every love. Love- give and be loved- receive. They are an inseparable couple, they cannot be separated from each other. If that happens, something is wrong and the connection breaks down. We learn love from birth. But it cannot be said that we have already learned it. We learn it all our lives. Sometimes we know better, sometimes worse. Every day is new and every day we start again. At different levels, but life can always be surprising and unexpected. And so, it is sometimes difficult to give something, and other times to receive something. But that’s what life is about.”
“It can be said that it is an art. And we need inspiration to be able to create art. In other words, we need to work on ourselves. People need to work on themselves to be able to help others. And I think this is the most important thing I learned in the course. Supporting and caring for others is like walking a tightrope. The higher the height, the more you need to concentrate. And I think helping children in grief is like walking a tightrope. You need balance. Giving on the other hand, receiving on the other. One or the other is not possible. I am so grateful to have learned this important lesson from the course.”
“I imagine that when a child loses a loved one, the world becomes black and white. And it needs to be repainted. And that is the art of giving and receiving at the same time. Accompany the child in making the world colourful.”
“Children need light. And we can help them by accepting them and giving them the opportunity to see, the opportunity to make their universe colourful again. It is a long process indeed, but it is possible.”
“If we succeed, the child will feel more love than pain. He will be loved. He will receive love and one day he will be able to give it on. He survives grief and may even become powerful and loving moment is his life. He will not look for suffering, but for beauty. Because every pain is the absence of love. Even the pain of losing a loved one. When we realize this, the approach to every child will be full of love. We will give and receive at the same time.”
“Giving and receiving is like photosynthesis. Converting carbon dioxide to oxygen. Turning pain into love. All through the art of giving and receiving. I think that more is not necessary.”
“Time to give and receive. Time to love and be loved. Time for birth, time for death. Different words, but the meaning is the same. I wish to be able to receive and to be able to give. In both lightness and darkness.”
“The most important thing was to find out that everything starts from me. First, I have to work on myself, to be able to help myself, to cope with the past, … And only then can I help others with safe distance. Only then will I be able to give and receive without looking into myself. And I’m aware that this is just the beginning. But if it’s not a good foundation everything is in vain. And here I got a solid foundation on which to build safely. On which I can create art. To create the art of life, an art that will be able to colour the world of other people. Through giving and receiving. Is that enough? I do not know the answer, but I know that patience in the present is the basis of giving and receiving. And so, I just have to thank you. For every meeting, every new information, every activity, imagination, community… that moved me forward.”
Thank you for your reading,
Iván Gómez García
Director of Creative Accompaniment
Psychologist expert in Psycho-Oncology and Palliative Care
Gestalt Psychotherapist (AETG-FEAP)
“The greatest healing of the world is being yourselves.”
Reshad Felid
