Introduction
At some point we face difficulties in life. The loss of a family member, an accident, an incurable illness, existential crisis. To have a skillful and warm person to guide you at these times can help to reduce complications and regain balance.
Going through a crisis changes accustomed patterns of behaviour. A family crisis transforms the everyday functioning and rewires the responses of the stressor.
Yet one of the most challenging thought besides realizing the death of the loved one is how to continue life without the person. How do I keep on going with the daily routines? How do I do my work properly? How do I take care of the people surrounding me or how do they take care of me?
Over the years we have received many consultations from families asking how to inform their children when a family member just died. We would like to share one of these calls and given guidelines. Names and some details have been changed for confidentiality reasons.
Telling the truth to my children
Claudia is working as an administrator for a local office. After two years looking after her children, Marise (3 years-old) and Oliver (5 years-old), she went back to work. Her husband James travels often to international conferences on biodiversity.
Before leaving to pick up her kids from kindergarten she is informed by local authorities that her husband has been involved in a car accident and he did not survive.
Claudia calls us next morning and ask for professional advice on a trembling voice. She briefly describes what happened and tells us that her two children spent the night at a friend’s house. She will bring them home this afternoon and she does not know how what to say.
Being in a state of shock, we shall be very sensitive on how we listen to her and offer clear steps that she will be able to follow. We shall be aware of using a warm tone of voice, repeating the same message more than once, and sending the points in writing afterwards.
Here are our suggestions:
- Take Marise and Oliver to their favourite place at home where they can feel safe and relaxed
- Share part of how you are feeling and explain to them with simple words what has happened, avoiding euphemism
- Reassure your daughter and son that all of you may feel confused, fearful, sad, angry, and tired; if the child would like to go and play, let him do that
- Remind them that you are together and that you are not going to abandon them.
For the time being we suggested her to have a best friend or a trustworthy person to be there and help them with practical matters (taking the children to kindergarten, doing the shopping, cooking meals) so the daily routine can continue.
We reminded Claudia to let us know how it went and offer our availability.
In the following days the support from the kindergarten and the community can be a great help to guarantee that the children are being listened. If children do not want to go to the kindergarten next day, we suggest Claudia to allow them to stay at home as they may need to be near their mother.
There are countless of stories such as the one that Claudia and her family found themselves in. Yet there are many situations where you can help families in crises.
If you want to know more on how you can help these families, we are launching a training programme under the name of Grief Child Support Education in the upcoming May.
Iván Gómez García
Director of Creative Accompaniment
Psychologist expert in Psycho-Oncology and Palliative Care
Gestalt Psychotherapist (AETG-FEAP)
“There is no magic procedure that will comfort all people, either at the time of death or during the period that follows. Grief and adjustment do not work on strict timetables. While one person will pick up the threads of life and work out new patterns relatively quickly, another will find, even after a longer period, little discernible movement toward a meaningful future. While we all grieve at a different pace, almost all of us eventually go on with our lives.” Earl A. Grollman
